Anger, pain, hurt feelings and/or a broken heart have always been my secret weapons but I didn’t always see it that way or I simply failed to realize it at all.
I have been very unhappy, unfulfilled and discontent at times in life. Some people believe in fate and/or believe they have to consistently accept or settle for whatever proverbial hand of cards they are dealt-good, bad, or indifferent. It was “in the cards” or meant to be, right? I think that is all wrong. For me, adopting to that type of mentality was maddening at times because at that point, you are relinquishing your own control. I believe that we change our “fate” based on our actions and reactions. Having the knowledge and self-awareness to know what you want and when you want it makes you self-empowered to take action. That in and of itself gives you a sense of control and power over your circumstances.
I could not figure out why I was so unhappy, unfulfilled, discontent and at odds with myself. I always found myself longing for or chasing after something to fill a void but I just didn’t know what. I would latch on to and obsess over anything and everything that I could to keep my mind off of it thinking that was my power and control over whatever said circumstances were troubling me. I was so often stressed about money and bills because my spending habits were even out of control. Buying a bunch of stuff I did not need, temporarily made me feel better but again, was conducive to nothing. Here, all I was doing was racking up more debt. Something that would never help anything and only added to my stress.
I would wrap myself up in work and try to have and force all these routines and keep my schedule super busy and occupied to keep up with the consequences of what I couldn’t keep up with. I would do stuff like start working second or third meaningless jobs ON TOP OF my well-paid, cushy government job and career in finance or I would just occupy myself with other unhealthy/uninspiring things just to keep me busy and keep my “wheels turning” so as to not have to think about, feel or deal with what was going on internally. None of these things were healing or self-fulfilling to me. I didn’t recognize that for some reason while I was actually sitting right in it and living it. I failed to realize that I was in a vicious cycle of chasing all the wrong things that were external to myself.
In that rat race, I have behaved in self-destructive ways by making more bad choices like consuming myself with getting drunk or high on drugs, involving myself in dead-end, detached, meaningless relationships where i was trying to “fix” somebody else or engaging in promiscuous behavior and cheating on those same dead-end boyfriends because I found myself unsurprisingly uninspired and dissappointed in them. I was failing to fix myself instead of them. I did all these things believing they were making me feel better.
Simply stated, I have lived life HARD. It was to escape the awful, shitty, oppressed, not self-fulfilled prison version of the reality I painted for myself. Those were my chosen actions and reactions. I was hard on my body and hard on myself as my problems exacerbated. But all of it was based on my poorly thought out actions and reactions.I am my own worst critic and during those times, I knew I was not happy and that I was not ok. I would literally watch pieces of myself and the world around me fall apart.
Conversely, the difficult emotions that would surface during those times have been major positive catalysts of change and transformation for me also. I did not even realize to what extent these could be hidden opportunties to actually turn things around with a different chosen action and reaction. But what I have realized was that I had to breathe, take everything in around me, slow down, be patient and take the time to process things before acting or knee-jerk reacting to everything in order to control and/or manipulate the circumstances around me. I had to actually FEEL through whatever it was that was triggering me to react right when it happened and confront it constructively and productively. You cannot hide it, sweep it under the rug or fear it.
Everybody processes these things differently but the one common denominator we all share is that our fears are our demons and they break us down. Usually, we are just afraid of facing ourself. We are afraid of our own potential. Once you have connected all these dots, is when you can actually do something with low vibrational and self-destructive thoughts and do something about it. This is when major breakthrough changes start happening for yourself on many different levels.
I had to get dragged through the underworld one too many times to figure this out. Too bad I hadn’t learned how to use my secret weapons sooner. They must have been lost in the clutter. I really need a smaller purse.